Sipher

“Lost-Battle..” From the beginning, I knew it is a lost battle. In fact, I picked the battle knowing I can never win it. It is easier to do something when you sure of the outcome. Because if some battles are not lost, will engulf you within it. ... “Tricked..” Everyone told me I don’t smile anymore. Over the years, I realized it is easy not to smile. It takes a lot to smile; to lie; to hide; to reciprocate when I don't want to. After a long time, I felt to be myself when not smiling at all. Everyone initially confronted. They misunderstood me. In the end, they accepted me as one who doesn’t smile. Just to appreciate back, I smiled back, thinking what’s the harm. They noticed. They called it out. “See, you seem happy now!”. Once again I got tricked. Now again, it takes a lot to smile; to lie; to hide; to reciprocate when I don’t want to. It was easy not to smile, even when I want to. ... “Flinched..” Deep inside we were never sure. Maybe this was meant to be ended. Seems we forgot t

An almost dried-up pond, wait patiently in the corner of the forest. A scorching sun, dried leaves, a heavy wind; All weathering it down bit by bit. Before its patience ran out, the wild do turn up tired and thirsty. The wild sniffs, get relaxed and dranks from the pond. When it dranks, the pond for a moment, finds the wild looking at it, in its eyes. The pond feels the acknowledgment in the eyes of the wild. But in the second moment, the pond realizes, the wild could not see it. The wild saw its own reflection in the pond. The wild quenched its thirst, return back connected to its own soul. The pond stays back, holding that half a moment of acknowledgment.

  Maybe this time I have gone too far. As of now, I don’t believe in small cuts anymore. ... In a single blow, want to cut out your heart, which has any kind of feelings for me. ... Want to tear down all the walls along with its cobwebs Want to devoid any politeness in your voice Want to remove distractions projected by your words Want to unhide pain in your eyes ... Once you shred all that, I want you to cut the heart out of me, which has no feelings for you. ... Maybe this time I want to go far enough, to the point of no return.

 Who exactly is a Hero for someone? Are they the ones who do things unimaginable for you? Or they who makes everything works for you without you facing any difficulties? For most of us, those early years of growing up, when we were dependent on our parents for most of the things, they were everything to us. In short, they were our world, and the rest of things were extensions of that world. And thus, rightly, they were the heroes in those moments. But, as our world extends beyond them, how we as kids understand and react to the exposure, along with how our parents chose to project their persona, do influence our’s early years of formation. Looking back, I realized one thing about my dad, that he never tried to be a hero for me. He unassumingly never projected himself to be infallible or know-all kind of a person. But is there an impact, if parents don’t project themselves to be invincible or take care of all worries for their children? Maybe for the children, it is good; unless they ge

 “Do you have any Cadbury deodorant?” standing on the other side of the counter, I asked sheepishly. She reacted as if she misheard me first. But with the moment, her eyes recognized mine, as if we were friends in person than just sms-pals. Those were the simpler times. We met online, it was like any regular story of a boy who stumbles upon a girl in the online world. Stumble upon, that's how all special relations start. I sit back and stared at the screen for some time. Starring at mobile, I was not sure what to do with the sms I got in reply. That “Hi!” in reply was like someone acknowledged my existence from some other end of this universe. It was a reply to an unassuming ‘Hi’ initiated by me. It took some time to not get surprised every time getting a reply in return to my text messages. Those were the simpler conversations. Each day we come to know a little more about each other, than before. She runs a store with her brother in a distant city, and I was for the first time awa

“Which one will help me sleep?”, staring at all kinds of bottles in the showcase of that wine shop, being teetotaler I was struggling to pick one, not sure, which could be appropriate for the occasion. Before here, I was at a medicine store near my rented duplex. But then there, could not ask for sleeping pills. I was afraid, without a prescription, shop-owner may think I may be planning suicide. Now, it is one more thought, which got stuck in my mind with the rest of the ones. It’s already 1 pm, dressed for the office, yet not ready to leave for work. It’s been the third time this week, I could not leave. These thoughts just could not leave; just stays there, all the time looping in my mind, ever. I am unable to figure my way out, out from this maze; a maze of choices and consequences I have made and yet to make. After the sleepless night, holding that Can of Beer, for the last half an hour, I was not sure, will it work. Any possible way out I could think of was not able to conclude,

 I had nothing more to lose. That's why I was standing there, on that balcony, beside him, waiting for his reply. He was like a godfather to me. I mean literally, like Vito Corleone, in “The Godfather” movie; to whom no one could speak, before thinking ten times. We as a kid use to be afraid to say anything in front of him. I heard about his legacy from my mother; about her brother, about the man I am standing beside right now, at this balcony. He has built an empire of his own, from scratch, with his bare hands and empty pockets. “I want to go, I need that money”, I said. He said nothing as if he didn’t listen to me at all, or what I thought, not convinced. But then, I could not muster the courage to speak more, I already spoke unthinkable. I am already doing unthinkable, standing beside him, for the first time; talking to him like a man, to a man. I have to leave. Sometimes leaving is the only reason to go somewhere else. After 21 years, I am trying to break the imbecile cord. Th

At least my eyes were working, on my deathbed. I hid my patient's wristband and was roaming in the hospital corridor. I was bored laying on my bed, waiting for tomorrow. Tomorrow test results will come, and hopefully, then, doctors can figure out why it happened to me. Luckily my roommates joined me after dinner. In two weeks, one of my roommates is about to get married, but for now, we all are amused to be here, sharing a big hospital room with 3 other actual patients. They tease me, pointing at the young beautiful doctor. I could not hide my big smile. I know in few minutes, my friends will leave and fill this boring night, I will have the company of that beauty. She looks like a freshly graduated doctor, whose beautiful eyes treat half of her patients, and make sick their accomplice. I am not sure how my subconscious mind figured it out, but it made me kept my phone on my left side. Like it knew, if it happens again, then it will be the right half of my body that will get paraly

It was a sudden, unresolved ending to our series of meetings. Just like our marriage. “Where we will sit & discuss?” On the first day, standing on a footpath opposite her apartment, my overwhelmed mind got distracted by such trivial concern. It was our third meeting in three days. Unlike the first two da y s, people around me don’t bother me much now. This time, she was on time. Seems by now, she comfortable sharing that footpath with me, while we trying to untangle ourselves from this mess. But by now, there were more questions, than what I came with. “So, what's now?” I abruptly asked, hoping those hundreds of questions which shooting pain in my head, will vanish away. And unexpectedly, it did. She took a moment and replied, “I don’t know, I need time..” Now, all my questions at that moment become irrelevant; just like me in her life. We hardly spent more than an hour standing there, yet we both were exhausted. It would have been a hectic day in the office for her, just like

“I will change the world!” she said as if there is no other way she knows of. Lean figure with brightness in her eyes and firmness in voice, she was telling her story to fellow travelers. I just boarded one Haryana roadways non-ac bus on a scorching summer day. Had there was a helicopter service I would have taken that without flinching my eyes. I was desperate to reach my Aunt’s place instantly. My heart was sinking with each minute, and my mind was not working at full. Seems to have no other options, but to board that bus was a way in which life was asking me to take a break from that panic attack. The bus was already full when I boarded it. Beginning from the front, I reached the last bench while seeking any place to sit. Someone just made space for me, I adjusted myself on the edge of the seat, and sank my head in my hands balancing on my lap. With a jerk, the bus started its journey and with that, my mind started cursing me, “Why I took the risk of sending my ill mother away from

End(Destination) Vs Path(Journey): End can be driver to ambitions.  To get result at all-cost, adds anxiety, forget how to manage present, don't allows check whether the path we following is fort with danger. Make the result irrelevant: perfect the process of performance n don't allow the pressure of result to choke your performance. More than performance, Excellence lies in Preparation: What you see on ground is just the end result of all that gone in before(in preparation). Not be unhappy with 100% effort, whatever be the result. Excellence is series of 100%(effort). Never grudge people for their success. If you give 100% every-time, before you know next opportunity will be in your lap. When seek Excellence, Seek people better than you: Always surround people better than you(not necessarily of your profession). Have people around you who tells you when you doing wrong more than when you do right. Arrogance often comes in the way of excellence. Be ready

मृत्यु जीवन के मैं बीच, सोच रहा किसका पक्ष लू ? मृत्यु को सोच मुझे यह लगता, रहूँगा सुखी रहूँगा हँसता ! चिंता से मुक्त डर से दूर, शांत रहेगी मेरी मन-छाया !! पर फिर मुझे जीवन याद दिलाती, जीवन आशा, नही निराशा बतलाती ! मनुष्य होने का गर्व मुझे सिखलाती, पग-पग पर मेरा जोश बढ़ाती !! -- poem by 18 year old me

Attend Music Festival in Europe (May be of "The Passenger") Live, Earn n Learn in Japan for sometime Visit most historic, peaceful n beautiful Buddhist monasteries (Japan, Bhutan, China..) Sky-diving, Bungie Jumping, Rock Climbing Support n Mentor a child Start n Manage Old-age home (like a organization) Learn Sculpture-Making (and may be wood-work too) Photography - 16th Aug 2014  

While coming to my hometown after a long time, it felt like I was going back in time. It was a time shift to a decade almost. It is just I got heavier and become more demanding with the surroundings. All of a sudden people and children were more visible than they use to be. The chill in the air was more uncomfortable even though in old days I use to travel at a worse time. I almost felt I am weakened by my time devotion to comfort myself for all these years. Side-note: Of late I am aghast by dipping level of people's intolerance. It seems people are becoming more fragile day by day. Earlier things which could have made no one felt bad or considered to be bearable are now found to be of life-threatening and unbearable at all point.

It is said that Lincoln suffered depression his whole life and yet achieved greatness. I was going through a book that talks about him and his contemporary greats of his field. The more details I come to know about him, the more I found his persona mystic. It looked to me that he had layers to his views. The way he approached his upbringing, seems to have an impact on his approach towards events that happened in the rest of his life. In fact, it seems in his early youth days, he even struggled to come up with some kind of significant achievement that could have given him some confidence about the way his life was shaping. Since the time he stepped into the professional field(he started with the law), he remained realistic in his approach. The views expressed by his contemporary about him reflect that he was the person who lived on minimalist resources and yet gone through moments where scarcity of intimacy or lack of support of people almost pushed him to the brink of complete breakdow

Spending a life-time in a job, giving it what all you have; which include time belonged to his family and friends.. cannot be recalled or measured in a day or thought..  I congratulate him for having splendid career; must have left his mark on his colleagues and juniors..  When someone retires it bring joy and sadness all together.. joy for giving back to family which compromised along with you so far.. and sadness as you leaving the arena which you owned for so long..  Arena which was your playground, battleground and had in-numerous good n bad memories..  Hope and Wishes from my side for his time ahead.. Have healthy life along with family and moreover Peace of Mind..